Why I Hate The Term “Friends With Benefits” (And Why This Concept Often Never Works, Especially For Women)

“There are no benefits for the girls, sweetheart, these guys just use modernity to abuse us” — Statement from a dear friend of mine

Perhaps, we’ve all seen it in the movies, such as No Strings Attached and Friends With Benefits. Specifically, in the movies, the whole concept of an FWB situation seems problem-free, carefree, fun, and exciting. Unfortunately, this often isn’t the case for reality. As a matter of fact, it’s actually (and usually) quite the total opposite.

Realistically speaking, this concept is actually quite harsher and often fails to ever work — meaning, it rarely ever leads or flourishes into anything bigger, such as a legitimate relationship where the two parties are exclusive with one another and, in actuality, dating one another.

I’ve observed this situation in people countless times, especially within a few of my peers — it’s not only led to the destruction of the physical aspect of the relationship, but also the friendship aspect — and, that’s what hurts the most. However, the truth is, if nothing interferes (e.g. where, in a worst case scenario, one discovers that the other party is actually dating somebody else), then there’s really no need for animosity towards one another. In other words, in the FWB acronym, you can keep the F and simply take out the WB.

Bear in mind — coming from a gender perspective, women usually are critical of this concept. You can’t blame women for arguing the fact that an FWB situation tends to cause nothing, but emotional pain for women. Just because I am a woman and don’t appreciate the idea of an FWB concept, that doesn’t mean that I am, in any ways, against the concept at all. If it already works or has worked well for any of y’all, then kudos to you guys. Reality check — making it work is rare. And, of course, there are women who can easily manage to separate sex from feelings — however, again, that is very rare.

Here are my reasons as to why an FWB situation is, generally, just emotional abuse for women:

• It’s usually very difficult for women to separate sex from feelings. Oh, and women are honestly utterly bad at it — as a woman, I know this very well. Don’t get me wrong. Men have feelings, too but they’re not as adept to catching feelings as women are. The effect of oxytocin, the “love hormone,” is what causes a woman to bond greatly after sex, therefore to develop some sort of emotional attachment.
• Almost all OR the vast majority of women bond after sex. Men often detach after sex — for them, it’s usually a means of relieving stress or just a release of a high dose of dopamine. I don’t know about you, but this is absolutely unfair and disrespectful for women.
• It heightens the stereotype that women can’t separate sex from feelings. And, women really do not acknowledge this unbelievable stereotype. Sadly speaking, this stereotype is almost pretty factual.

Can friends with benefits really work?

Sure, it can but in incredibly rare situations. It worked surprisingly well for Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher, but that’s mainly because they shared a bond for many years before they got married.

Don’t get me wrong. Women must also enjoy modern sexual liberties as much as men do and I’m all in for that. Sadly, as previously mentioned, due to the process of emotional bonding, it’s never really the healthiest idea for women to involve themselves in this — and, not only emotionally. That all purely comes from several standpoints — emotionally, mentally, and physically. This is all also purely based on scientific research.

So, the idea of an FWB situation for a woman is just cruel.

Specifically, us, women, are told that being in a no strings attached fling is normal, cathartic, “hip,” and “cool.” Well, I hate to break it to y’all but it’s none of those things. The media glorifies this idea in almost all forms of pop culture — in music, television, and cinema. And, if a woman agrees to this arrangement, she’s now all of a sudden depicted as being “strong,” “liberal,” and “rational.”

Meanwhile, the male party gets exactly what he wants. No commitment. A man who has no interest in starting a relationship can still go to bed with a woman, and not feel an ounce of guilt about it. He doesn’t have to struggle with emotions, he can decide to back off easily when the woman starts to develop feelings and won’t feel guilty about it, and can decide to go for the next woman who he hopes won’t develop feelings. See the pattern I’m getting to, here? It’s emotionally draining.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with safe and amazing sex.

However, sex isn’t the way to a man’s heart. It never is and it never will be, no matter what. At the end of the day, it doesn’t mean anything and it won’t increase one’s chances of getting into a relationship.

You may be asking yourself, as to why I’m making a whole point out of this and why it matters.

Well, it matters a whole lot because both men and women put themselves in a number of risks in a situation as risky as this. For instance, one runs the risk of developing feelings and ending up with a broken heart — even if it resorts to being just friends and staying as friends. As for women, they get constantly caught up in the redundant pattern of hooking up with the wrong men, meaning men they’ll likely never find themselves dating. Finally, it’s better to invest the time, energy, and emotions into finding the right person than spending time with somebody who just wants to play with you under the sheets.

Lastly, not all men are evil. Plus, women can be just as evil as men.

And, it’s not like men have come up with some sort of a plot to emotionally hurt women. In fact, this just happens unconsciously. The whole FWB concept is just one mere and unfortunate coincidence, and it happens to be that women are the ones who often get emotionally hurt in this situation. FWB scenarios have falsely led to the conclusion that there’s no biological difference between men and women, whatsoever. WRONG.

In conclusion, a friends with benefits arrangement simply just leads to nothing but unhappiness and confusion. From a male’s perspective, the man always wins. If he wants a relationship with the girl he’s in an FWB fling with, he wins. If he doesn’t want a relationship with the girl he’s in an FWB fling with, he still wins. See? Not fair for the woman. For the woman, it’s either a win or a loss.

Simply put and simply said: Friends with benefits isn’t the way to go, especially if you are a woman.