To all the women who have daddy issues — it’s okay

“Go ahead and cry, little girl. Nobody does it like you do. I know how much it matters to you. I know that you got daddy issues. And if you were my little girl, I’d do whatever I could do. I’d run away and hide with you. I know that you got daddy issues, and I do too’”— Daddy Issues by The Neighbourhood

Wednesday, September 28th, 2022:

It’s 9:30 AM. I am sitting down in my desk sipping my warm mug of coffee until I get a text from one of my dearest friends. This seemed a little worrisome, though.

“Anna, can we please sit somewhere in a few hours and talk? I am feeling so damaged and distraught. He completely took advantage of and ruined me!”

I reply, “Ava, calm down. Don’t worry, we will sit down together in a few and fully discuss this. I am always here for you. By the end of today, I am going to make sure you are more than fine. Okay?’

Tearfully, she replies, “Okay, thank you. I love you so much.”

“Love you too, hun.”

A few hours later that day:

We meet up and sit down at our favorite local coffee spot. Without hesitation, Ava quickly starts the conversation.

“Anna, I feel extremely ashamed and disgusted with myself.”

“Ava, breathe. Then, calmly, tell me what exactly had happened.”

“Well, I got in touch with Isaac again. I felt so desperate and afraid to the point I needed financial help. The money I am making right now still isn’t enough. And, I really want to be able to not go to that dark place again. You know, what I had experienced during COVID.”

I take a short pause to consider what to ask. It takes me a few seconds to quickly gather my spots before asking.

“Did you send him those visuals? Those videos? Of you doing those things that he asked for? Do not worry, I won’t judge. I completely understand, because a lot of girls, no matter how many degrees they have today, still do this on the side for money. Be honest, so I can help you.”

Ava takes a deep breath. I patiently wait. She then proceeds. However, I know what she’s about to say will make me angry. Not at her, but at Isaac.

“He promised to pay me. He promised to help me with my next trip. He promised to help me with my car, because it got stuck in the dirt the other day and I had to pay a steep price for a towing service. He even promised to pay for my phone bill. He basically just promised to help me out, so I can finally be able to save and travel someplace for awhile.”

Tears stream down Ava’s face. I give her some tissues.

“Ava, listen. You block Isaac immediately. Don’t talk to him. Do not associate yourself with him anymore. I will take care of this. I promise you. Okay?”

“Okay. Thank you,” says Ava quietly.

“One quick question, though. Did you ask him to delete everything?”

“Yes, I did. I literally begged him to do so and he said everything’s been deleted. He was apologetic about everything, but I just felt completely overwhelmed and had had more than enough.”

“I understand. I will make sure to teach him a lesson, so that this doesn’t happen to you or to any other woman, ever again. You got me?”

Ava nods her head.

If you’re reading this, then you’re probably wondering what the backstory is behind all of this.

Isaac is someone I’ve known for the past eight years. He’s somewhat of a mutual family friend. Specifically, the childhood friend of my sister’s ex-boyfriend.

A few years ago, whilst living in Texas during my college years, my sister messaged me telling me he was visiting. She suggested I give him a good time. However, from what I could recall, I was busy and couldn’t catch up with him. As a matter of fact, I’ve never even met the guy. Sure, I’d met him virtually but never in-person.

It wasn’t until 2019 that I’d crossed paths with him again. It was merely just for a friendly encounter. Mainly because I felt he was worth connecting with. All because I thought he was my sister’s friend and assumed he’d be…cool. Well, let’s say things changed when COVID hit. I had begun to go through an incredibly difficult time in my life, and he had offered to help me. The same way he had offered to help my best friend.

In retrospect, this “offer” felt extremely degrading and insulting. It now appears to me that he didn’t see me for what I was worth. This time, I really had to permanently cut off ties with him. For good. This almost felt like some sort of abusive relationship in disguise, because it took me several times before finally having to not only cut off ties with him but to also confront him. Big time.

Thursday, September 29th, 2022:

It took me a day to fully comprehend all of this. To decide what to tell Isaac. To put an end to all of this misery. I kept my composure, because I know being mad was probably going to make me say things that I would regret later.

So, I reach for my phone and begin typing.

“Hello Isaac,” I type.

About five minutes later, he responds, “Anna. How are you doing?”

“Isaac, I know it’s been awhile but we really need to talk. I am sure you know what it is about, as well.”

“Lemme guess. It’s about Ava, isn’t it? What did she tell you?”

“Isaac, what you did wasn’t cool at all. You promised her you’d send her money in exchange she’d send you videos, in which she’d film herself doing things she is not only extremely uncomfortable doing but things that are also extremely triggering for her. Are you trying to be her so-called “sugar daddy?” her pimp? Or both? What makes this even worse is you didn’t even help her, as promised. What is it that you want from her?”

“Anna, I understand you are trying to help but this is between me and Ava.”

“She doesn’t want to talk to you. Plus, she has already blocked you and has promised herself that she will never associate herself with you ever again. Remember, I am the one who introduced the both of you so I have a right to speak on her behalf and come to her defense. Don’t you think?”

“Well, you’re not wrong. Listen though, I still want to help her.”

“Isaac, this is the THIRD time you’ve done this to her. She clearly does not trust you. Also, considering your lack of dignity, why would she? No offense. I understand you just became a dad eight months ago and have plenty of responsibilities, but why do this to someone when you clearly don’t have the time and resources to do so? Is this some sort of sick pleasure you’re seeking? Because you’ve done everything to destroy both Ava’s mental health and self-esteem.”

“I apologized to her. I still want to make it up to her.”

“Is this something your wife tolerates? I understand the two of you are in a so-called “open marriage,” but this is absolutely appalling. This isn’t something you’d want to teach your son someday, is it?”

“For your information, Ava isn’t a saint either. She recently hooked up with two men who both are not only twice her age, but who also have families themselves. Others would call her a homewrecker, but I never did so. What’s so different about me?”

“Well, you’re no better. Those men never offered her money in exchange for lewd images and videos. And, they certainly never did things to destroy her self-esteem. You never even cared to speak to her empathetically and make her feel better — all because you were “too busy.” I’m not saying those men are saints, but they were at least there to comfort there during times she was struggling with her mental health. Meanwhile, you’d just flip the subject and say, “How about I make you feel better by offering you a bit of cash?” For once in your life, try being in her shoes and imagine what it’s like.”

“I do know what it’s like. I work a job I am not crazy about and have to get up early morning at five am.”

“Ava has two degrees and still can’t get decent employment here. You know what, though? It doesn’t matter to you, because you see her as nothing but a prostitute. You literally told her to put something up her ass, so she could make “more money.” You NEVER even paid her a dime.”

“I will make it up to her.”

“How? Enlighten me.”

“We will start all over again, even if she does things on my own terms. Anna, it doesn’t matter how many college degrees you have. Sometimes, in life, you gotta make a little sacrifices — even if it means getting ungodly uncomfortable and sticking a vegetable up your ass, because that’s what I like.”

I stop cold. I couldn’t believe what I had just read. My blood boils like no other. Per usual, I keep my anger under control and just go at it with typing.

“You know what, Isaac? It’s obvious you can’t relate to women who’ve lacked a parental father figure growing up. You got spoiled like no other growing up, and can never understand or respect the fact if a woman says she will not do what you ask her to do. Ava had been in an abusive relationship six years prior, which you knew and she couldn’t tolerate doing things sexually for you that have triggered her in the past — even until now, they still trigger her. But, you don’t care. You’re a pig.

You took advantage of my best friend. You lied to her. You made her feel like some whore. You think this is okay? You think this is something you’d condone as a parent? Let alone, as a human being?

AVA IS NOT A PROSTITUTE. That’s literally how you treated her. Like some scammed prostitute. HOW DARE YOU.

Whilst Ava struggled for two plus years, there you were enjoying your luxuries and so-called flamboyant lifestyle. You don’t know what it’s like, do you? You’ve clearly never been in Ava’s shoes. You say so, but no.

Please don’t ever try to contact me and Ava ever again, or else I swear I’ll make sure I’ll do something that’ll make you regret everything you’ve ever done to us.

I hit the block button immediately.

It’s apparent that me and Ava grew up having “daddy issues.” Growing up, our dads were never really around. They were there to help financially, but they were never there for us emotionally. My dad was mainly verbally and physically abusive, often so angry, shouting all the time, and compulsively lying. The good news is our moms both mainly raised us, which prevented the both of us from often seeing our dads.

However, it caused the both of us to have issues with men. In particular, for a number of years, both me and Ava were often interested in dating or just having casual sex with older men. When we mean ‘older,’ we mean over the age of forty-two. It also led us to make some pretty poor decisions with men — such as dating men not compatible for us, often craving sex, and relying on older men for certain needs (e.g. financial).

It took the both of us time to break out of this unhealthy cycle, because of how emotionally, mentally, and physically damaging it was. The uncomfortable confrontation with Isaac became the last straw. As a matter of fact, I am still helping Ava to recover from this mess. Luckily, she has an amazing therapist to count on and work with to fully heal from all of this. Although I have managed to work through these issues, I still yet have more progress to make. Perhaps, confronting Isaac was one of those first steps.

I just hope getting our story out there will send a valuable message to some readers, especially those who grew up with and absent or are struggling with their so-called “daddy issues.”

It’s okay. If anything, you will eventually get through this.