The Curse of the Casual, Sexual Encounter: Part IV

“Tears shed for another person are not a sign of weakness. They are a sign of a pure heart” — Jose N. Harris

I’ve thought way too much about this for nearly a month and it’s time to finally place it onto my obituary list. Sending him more messages won’t actually really do much or solve anything. Rather, it’ll do nothing but push him further away from giving me any closure. Closure’s also something from within, not something one guy can ever give me necessarily. Sure, I didn’t commit any wrongdoing. However, if there’s something at fault here then it’s probably the insecurity I’ve felt resulting from all of this.

The good news is this is something that I can continuously work on — for myself, not for anybody else. If I know I’m great, then why should someone bother me otherwise? Or, I could’ve perhaps been more like, “Ok, that did not work out because we’re ultimately not a good match. So, I’m not for him and he isn’t for me.” That’s where increasing both and self-esteem both come in. It’s completely normal to feel this way when something like this aka ghosting happens.

But, it’s run deeper than I may have thought because it’s been nearly a month and I’ve still felt hurt by it. I sometimes still think about it. However, not as much as I did last week and the week prior. There’s simply no need to anymore, though. Of course, taking my time to process bullshit is a good thing. But, it’s important to explore these things for the future. Because, well…unfortunately, this might happen again. This isn’t the first time, nor is it ever the last. If it happens again, I don’t want some bag of dicks to take up so much space in my mind rent-free.

He also definitely seemed to be someone who’d begin a toxic relationships. Perhaps, it’s what he saved me from and most probably gave me the benefit of the doubt. It’s enough that he never took my feelings into consideration. He never spoke to me, when I clearly wanted him (and pretty much needed him) to communicate with me. He didn’t acknowledge any of my communication, which is very disrespectful in and of itself. It’s also a toxic form of behavior. I certainly wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who does that. Someone who clearly and completely disregards my feelings is someone I’d never want to be with. Ever. I no longer give myself away to people who haven’t proven themselves, yet. Because, that’s done nothing but cause me plenty of heartache — that is, giving myself away too soon.

It’s not my problem that he is the way he is; that’s his problem. He’s not associated with or even a part of my life, anyways. Even if I was in a relationship with him, it’d still be his problem and not mine.

Everyone’s an asshole, until proven otherwise. It’s never my fault when and if someone decides to be an asshole. It’s always their fault. I’m too fucking precious for this. I control my own life, no one else does. Other people can’t, don’t, and won’t. Ever. I still get so angry about certain men, including and especially the ones I’ve recently come across. I just don’t get it. Ever since I was eighteen years of age, and up until now, I just never have simply understood why and how some men are okay with being assholes. How is it that some men live with themselves thinking that behaving in this manner is okay? It’s absolutely not fucking okay. IT’S NOT.

I won’t mention the name of the city I currently live in. Because, out of all due respect, the dating scene here in this city is ridiculously messy. Perhaps, it’s probably a city rated with one of the worst dating scenes in the world. The majority of the men here are never really clear about their intentions. It frustrates the living fuck out of me.

I can’t ever let men pity me. I won’t ever let that happen. I am also going to be setting boundaries in the moment, not just before and after. I also will no longer be afraid to make certain men mad. If they get mad, then so fucking what? They can go fuck themselves. Plain and simple. Some men will always get mad if they don’t get what they want, and that’s on them. If someone gets mad at me for setting boundaries, then he or she can simply go fuck off. Men sometimes just will do anything to get what they want. It’s bloody fucking annoying.

If some guy feels shame because he doesn’t think he can meet my needs or expectations, then that’s also on him. No need to fucking ghost. Just be brutally honest. It’s really not difficult. If some guy has some sort of insecure attachment style or may fear emotional closeness for various reasons, then that’s also on him. Not my fucking problem. No need to be fucking disrespectful. Saying something isn’t hard. At all.

From the very beginning, NEVER assume that a person is what he or she seems to be. NEVER EVER assume that. The only way one will ever discover one other’s true colors is through time. I’m done assuming.

This is the end to my mini “series.” That doesn’t mean it’s the complete end. In the near future, more chapters could potentially be added.