Sex Isn’t Taboo — The Lack Of Proper Sex Education Is

“Sexuality is one of the ways that we become enlightened, actually, because it leads us to self-knowledge” — Alice Walker

If there are certain things I learned about sex growing up, they’re the following:

• “Sex is taboo.”
• “Sex is bad.”
• “Sex is dangerous.”
• “People who have sex before marriage are bad.”
• “Masturbation is disgusting.”
• “Sex quickly leads to sexually transmitted infections and unwanted pregnancies.”

Shall I go on?

It’s fair to say that I am not the only one who’s been told all of this growing up. I’ve met and spoken with countless people who have been in my shoes. As a matter of fact, what many of us have noticed today is we’ve actually taught ourselves sex education. Most of our parents have never spoken to us much about it. Our teachers have certainly not taught it properly to us. Here’s how we have learned over the years:

• Social Media.
• Podcasts.
• Pornography.
• Books.
• Relationships.
• Personal Experiences.
• Music.
• Television.
• Film.
• Magazines.

This may have happened all over the world, but all of us have faced human sexuality’s cross-cultural differences. I know I have and being open about my sexuality has been one challenging and quite controversial journey.

For instance, I was raised in the Middle East and I’m currently still based here. The Middle East is a region that is very protective of women and condemns them if they ever dare to be sexually open. Whether a Muslim or not, an Arab woman still faces unavoidable criticism. Although men may be overprotective of women in that part of the world, that doesn’t mean the men should be validated for their actions. Now, what does that mean?

Well, from my personal experiences, I’ve encountered plenty of Muslim Arab men who’ve engaged in pre-marital sex and they’ve never been criticized for it. For one, they do not share this information with parents and other family members. Secondly, they do not necessarily face the harsh consequences as much as the women do. Due to these factors, they believe they gain the upper hand to do whatever they want. That is, have as much sex with as many women outside of their culture and religion, date as many women as possible, and feel entitled to not face judgement or criticism. For women here, it’s often the total opposite even if they describe themselves as sexually liberated or “free.”

However, it’s understandable as to why we’re given these restrictions. It’s all mainly for the safety of our physical health and for the sake of our mental well-being, both for men and for women so they don’t face the following serious consequences and unpleasant circumstances:

• Unwanted pregnancies.
• Unwanted sexually transmitted infections.
• Unprotected sex.

Throughout my time in high school, I had never passionately kissed anybody. In all honesty, I never really even cared about it. All I cared about was being a good teenager and performing academically well in school. It wasn’t until I finally hit college that things took a major turn. When I was eighteen-years-old, I had my first ever sexual encounter. Not only did my life completely change at that moment, but my viewpoints towards everything about sexuality changed too. I didn’t necessarily see it as a bad thing, but something I had to be careful about because I had no idea what I had to do to keep myself mentally, physically, and emotionally safe.

Encountering human sexuality in my early college years definitely took plenty of trial and error. For example, I did not know what casual hook-ups were and what they meant. I learned the hard way that they were somewhat culturally accepted in the Western world. In the Eastern world, not so much. I did not really know what oral sex was until I was nineteen, which I also discovered was considered normal. The same goes for handjobs, foreplay, cumming, masturbation, sex toys, specific sex positions, the clitoris, the g-spot, and plenty more. As for safe sex, all I knew was everyone had to use some form of protection (e.g. condom) so not to encounter anything life-altering. Until I got to college, I had no idea what “pulling out” meant and what forms of birth control were out there, except for the pill. So, I had no choice but to learn all of this on my own. Sure, I reached out to my peers and the Internet but it still didn’t feel as if those tools were really enough. I didn’t even favor the human sexuality course that was offered at my university, mainly because I wasn’t a fan of how the professor taught the course. I never watched pornography, as I never saw the relevance behind it. Therefore, I turned to my favorite source — books. After books, came the following — personal experiences, podcasts, social media, television, relationships, online magazines, and film. However, with books, I was able to fully grasp and comprehend everything I hadn’t known before. In addition to knowing what I didn’t know, I had learned the following:

• The sexual liberation movement that started in the 1960s and why it happened.
• Why premarital sex has been normalized over the years.
• The emergence of contraception for women.
• Why casual hook-ups have been normalized over the years.
• Sexologist Alfred Kinsey, the Kinsey Institute, the Kinsey Reports, the Kinsey scale, and why his work still matters today.
• The pros and cons of casual hook-ups.
• The different types of relationships and marriages. For example, I didn’t know what an “open relationship” was until I turned 25.
• The definition of sexual coercion and the dangers behind it.
• Types of sexual assault, sexual abuse, and sexual violence.
• Terms related to BDSM — sadist, masochist, dominatrix, submissive, sadomasochist.
• The definition of an open relationship.
• Understanding why some struggle with monogamy.
• and more.

After my very first emotionally abusive relationship, I didn’t date again for nearly five years. Unfortunately, my relationships after those five years did not work out properly either. If there’s one thing I’ve learned throughout my twenties, it’s that being single is an incredibly valuable time to get your solid, healthy, and sustainable sex education in. At 27, I still do so and I do it almost everyday. This is also one of the things I love about being single — the valuable lessons you teach yourself about human sexuality along the way:

• Never be ashamed of expressing your sexuality.
• Be authentic and confident when expressing your own sexuality.
• Being sexually open can definitely combat your shyness and insecurities.
• Communication is a lubrication.
• It’s never too late to have the best sex of your life.
• Sexual compatibility and relationship compatibility are not the same thing.
• You are responsible for your own orgasm.
• Sex toys are bloody awesome, so feel free to own and explore plenty of them.
• One person can’t be your everything, because that’s actually a myth. It’s totally okay to have multiple lovers in your life.
• Self-pleasure is not only crucial, but also healthy so pleasure yourself as much as you desire.
• Better sex contributes to better sleep. Duh.
• The bedroom and the weight room are more connected than you think. In short, physical exercise usually contributes to better sex.
• One of the best ways to have better sex is to get comfortable talking about it.
• Just because you see it in porn, that doesn’t mean it feels good.
• The more you masturbate, the faster you can get over your ex. True story, actually.
• You can have sex without penetration. Also, having a sex life that only focuses on penetration can get redundant really fast.
• You can have good chemistry with someone and still need to break up. It’s normal and it happens.
• Your worth is never determined by the number of people you’ve had sex with.
• And plenty more. I’m still and always learning.

In conclusion, the proper sex education we are receiving nowadays is mainly through mass media outlets and within ourselves. As students and educators, I still believe we can do better. Specifically, we can do better at teaching it properly across all different cultures and religions. Although we still have a long way to go, I’m glad to see it at least getting a little better. For example, I have observed people from the Middle East talking a bit more openly and freely about it. I don’t know if it will exponentially progress or be vastly different in the future, but we still have the power to change the narrative around human sexuality and not make it appear to be taboo. The more we talk about sex, the more comfortable we will be about it. The world will be a much better place if we reduce our timidity and shame around talking openly and freely about sex, and human sexuality. I hope to be a pioneer in helping others do so, as well.