Choosing To Embrace Ethical Non-Monogamy
“When she’s saying, oh that she wants only me. Then I wonder why she sleeps with my friends. When she’s saying, oh that I’m like a disease. Then I wonder how much more I can spend. Well I guess I should stick up for myself. But I really think it’s better this way. The more you suffer, the more it shows you really care. Right? Yeah, yeah, yeah” — The Offspring, Self-Esteem
Wednesday, October 5th, 2022: “Thank you for your understanding and discretion. I really don’t want to hurt my family. So, I’m not sure why I took the risk. Well, I do know actually. I got to experience you! But, I also didn’t want to hurt you either. Thanks for being you. X”
Thursday, October 6th, 2022: “I will miss the super sexy messages, pics, and vids. But, I guess I’ll have to enjoy what you share on IG.”
Later that evening on October 6th, 2022: “Missing you, which is weird because we didn’t see each other much. But, I do think it was right for me to hit the brakes. Thanks again for your support and understanding.
“We might have the chance to bump into each other sometime! But, I think the universe was trying to say something with that security guard around the car last night… “
Wednesday, October 19th, 2022: “Hey, I’m sorry that I go from flirting with you to being distant. I went from wanting to be with you physically to realizing I need to protect those closest to me and you were so very understanding. Now, I am realizing that even flirting sexually with you is wrong for me at this time. I want to stay in touch, but also want to explain my inconsistency.”
As much as I hate to admit this, I was involved in an affair with someone much older than me. The thing is I am not married, but he is. However, this wasn’t the first time I got involved with a married man. And, nor was this his first affair.
Out of fairness and respect, I will not reveal the full details of how I know him or how I met him. I will just say that I have known him for years and happened to reconnect with him a few months back. He admitted he was attracted to me, which is fine but things took quite an unexpected turn soon.
After those texts, I reached out to one of my dearest friends I had known since high school for advice. She thought his responses were quite disgusting. Then again, he does not deserve the full blame because I was also involved and didn’t pull the brakes. He did, though. And, towards the end, I kinda felt hurt by it.
For awhile, I just decided to move past it. I just told myself, “I had my fun. Time to move on and just go for someone available.” Even with that thought, another thought kept lingering at the back of my mind. As months went by, I found myself asking, “Why do certain married men do this? Even the nicest ones? Why do they bind themselves to monogamy and then, later on, just…cheat?” He wasn’t the first person to do this, nor will he be the last. Yet, I am still benignly curious as to why several people choose to do this.
In particular, why not choose to be ethically non-monogamous if you know you will struggle to control the urge to sleep with other people?
During the time this affair happened, I was still somewhat involved with a guy who I eventually became crazy about. He was crazy about me, too. Unfortunately, though, he was not ready to be exclusive with me. He was still confused about his feelings. He was just really afraid to start dating me and constantly said he was still not in the right mindset to even make it official with me. The sad thing is, whenever we were out in public, he always treated me like I was his girlfriend and yet I wasn’t. I still adore him and consider him to be my best friend. Always will be, too.
I won’t deny the fact that he was trying to build something with me, but I didn’t want to be a standby chick or be left hanging and keep asking him, “what are we?” So, I still gave myself the freedom to go out there, meet other people, and eventually sleep with them. The thing that really sucks is I had encountered an extremely disgusting male who I completely regretted sleeping with. Not only was he extremely coercive, but he also gave me mycoplasma genitalium. He didn’t even bother to apologize to me. Fortunately, I confronted him and cut him off permanently. Talk about a piece of shit coward.
I may choose to be ethically non-monogamous, but that doesn’t mean I will go sleep with everyone. As a matter of fact, I will never choose to sleep with someone who will put my sexual health at risk ever again — especially if and when I have someone else I am strongly committed to who also agrees to be ethically non-monogamous.
Why? Because ethical non-monogamy is more than just about two people giving one another the permission to get involved with and sleep with other people. In particular, ethical non-monogamy includes the values of trust, mutual respect, reciprocity, consent, safety, and boundaries — the same as a monogamous relationship.
I recently had a conversation with a close friend of mine, who also happens to be polyamorous. I asked him, “what made you choose to become polyamorous?”
He, perhaps, gave me the best answer anyone else could have given me. Specifically, an answer I have been seeking all along without even realizing it:
“I didn’t choose to become (polyamorous). I just understood that we are all poly by nature, so I decided to stop forcing an unnatural and fake practice society calls monogamy.”
Now, I wouldn’t necessarily go out of my way and call monogamy “fake.” However, I will definitely say that it is unrealistic and not always sustainable or even attainable. For example, almost every married man I’ve come across in a monogamous relationship has cheated. And, not only have they felt guilty about it in the end but they have also emotionally hurt those they’ve engaged in affairs with. The same goes with those who are in exclusive relationships, but are monogamous. It just doesn’t make any sense, at all.
Oh, and believe me. When you’re told by someone that you can’t see them anymore so not to hurt their family, it hurts big time. You suddenly feel like a home wrecker, because you also did your part in knowing before the sex and attachment took place.
It is fair to say that I, myself, have actually never been in a proper relationship with somebody. I am almost twenty-nine-years-old but the fact that I have never been in a long-term, proper relationship doesn’t bother me anymore. I also hate to say this, but I also happened to learn something else the hard way — it’s much healthier and safer to not be in anything serious throughout your twenties than to be in something exclusive, yet messed up. I know, because I have sadly been there and remembering that it happened is even worse. It was back in the summer of 2015. It was very short-lived, but the guy I was with at the time was an awful human being and a complete master manipulator. After that, I chose to no longer be with anybody or to wait as long as I could because, after that, almost every man I had approached only wanted me for sex and nothing more. Mainly, those men were involved with other women. It really frustrated the fuck out of me like no other. It still does, but hey — I am now changing all of that.
Despite my failed relationships, failed flings, and troublesome affairs, along the way, I managed to embrace ethical non-monogamy. As peculiar as this sounds, this was the silver lining I discovered along the way. I am not saying that this is something I will engage in for the rest of the life, but it is something I have learned to embrace, acknowledge, and respect because monogamy, to me, isn’t something everyone really wishes to be in. It’s almost as if those who aren’t really monogamous feel as if they’re bound to it, and can tell people that marriage is bullshit or something that they enjoy, yet are still tragically flawed in some way. Well, you signed up for this and it is no excuse to engage in something that your partner will not appreciate or favor. Hence, why it is essentially and highly crucial you set an agreement with someone you’re committed to beforehand — that is, if it’s something that will not cause y’all to hate one another towards the end.
For all my readers, if you are really serious about being in something strictly monogamous, just realize what you’re really in for and stay true to that so not to hurt anyone outside of your relationship or marriage. And, for those who choose to be ethically non-monogamous, know that this is not some excuse to go out of your way to cheat and not feel guilty.
