“Any Guy Who Puts You in a Situationship is an Asshole” — Part Two

“You made your choice, but I can’t seem to let go. Thinking of your voice in a world so cold. I’m breaking down now, but I won’t let it show. And even if I’m crazy, it doesn’t mean that I’m wrong. Wonder what you’re thinking as you listen to this song. I’ve been lost in my mind, but ima tell you I’m fine. But, what’s the point of “The One” if you find them at the wrong time?” — Our Time Together, Ivan B. ft. Marie Elizabeth

Friday, March 24th, 2023:

Because Ian had blocked me from everywhere, I did the pathetic act of sending him an email. I know, it sounds beyond weak and very 2005 but I was trying to patch things up. However, I realized after taking the wrong advice, from a dear friend of mine, that I was being a pushover.

“Dear Ian,

I know we got off the wrong foot last weekend, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t care. As a matter of fact, I still do very much care and still adore you to bits. However, it seems we both have our own differences.

For example, last Saturday, I told you the next time I’d go to the mountains, that it’ll be with you. I was being nothing but nice to you and then you suddenly chose to be rude to me by saying, in an extremely rude tone, “don’t make me a second option.” At the concert, if you remember, we both agreed that we can and will keep our friendship — even if we still have feelings for one another. I can no longer tolerate being in a situationship anymore.

It’s been nearly a year and I know you don’t want to be in a relationship with me. Even though you claimed you did, you never wanted to be in a relationship with me in the first place. This has done nothing but cause damage, heartache, confusion, and misunderstanding to both me and to my mental health.

I wasn’t trying to pull off a move your ex-girlfriend did, with the hopes of you coming after me (after I had blocked you). Then again, I won’t chase because I recently realized that I’ve enabled men to mistreat me my whole life (including you), and I’m no longer going to.

It seems apparent that we both have different interpretations or meanings of what being disrespectful means (particularly in a situationship). On Saturday, I don’t believe I disrespected you at all. In fact, I believe it was actually the other way around.

I now know what I want and that’s a relationship. I have no idea what you want anymore, but I still don’t understand what made you tick like this. For you, I no longer want to be a glutton for punishment. Although I really wish I am and could’ve been, I am not your girlfriend.

We both said very hurtful things to one another, but that doesn’t mean it should be the end. This is me trying to fix things between us (as friends) — for once and for all. However, if you don’t want to fix things just as much as I do, then that’ll just convey who you really are.

Anyways, I hope to hear back from you.”

Moments later, I received an email back from him.

He called me a coward. Said he never wanted to see me again. Said that I will be punished by God on Judgement Day. And, you know what else?

About Felicity. Because he had called her a bitch and all. This time, he actually defended her by saying, “Actually, what Felicity did was out of love so she had a valid reason.”

Extremely hypocritical and pathetic. This felt like such a hypocritical betrayal. Sadly speaking, it was. It also almost felt as if he had used me as some sort of rebound or took advantage of me so to finally feel a fake spark again. How fucking dare he. He disrespected me BIG TIME.

Out of common courtesy, a week later, I sent him my condolences after his grandpa had died. Know what he did? He blocked me through Telegram. No ‘thank you.’ No appreciation. Nothing. Basically made a threat to my best friend telling her that if I ever tried to get ahold of him again, that he would file a police case against me for “harassment.”

I never even harassed him. He completely pushed me away.

I do not actually really believe in the fantasy of “love at first sight.” As a matter of fact, it does not actually exist. It is completely made up. However, Ian and I really hit it off from the start. The first few times I had gone out with him, we seemed to both realize that we were attracted to one another. After we had had sex the first time, we became so much closer. Sure, it may have been going “a little too fast.” It did not seem so for me, though. At least, with the way I saw it, it was quite a decent pace for me. We knew about each other’s families, knew about each other’s tastes in music, knew about each other’s favorite television shows, and what we liked doing in bed to one another. Unfortunately, Ian was never ready or willing to give it a shot. Ian used to tell me constantly, “I want you so badly, but I am so messed up in my head.” After our “breakup,” I realized Ian never wanted me to begin with.

Almost every one of my friends, who I had spoken to about this, all told me it was never going to work and that I had to let it go. Mainly, the whole idea of sharing something romantic and sexual but not seeing it evolve. Sure, perhaps I could have kept the friendship but our sexual attraction to one another was always there and it was so strong. The main reason I was told to let it go was because of the evident red flags that were there all along. Without a doubt, relationship expert Matthew Hussey would also agree.

According to Hussey, when a guy says he is not ready for a relationship, that is an immediate and giant red flag. When a guy says he is not ready for a relationship, it equates to him saying, “I am going to hurt you. In case you didn’t know, I am going to hurt you. I am telling you to your face that you are going to get hurt. You are going to get your heart broken.” So, why bother with that? Well, I held hope because I saw potential. Sadly, Ian did not.

The idea of a relationship never excited Ian. In fact, it always scared him. To be more clear, it always unnecessarily scared him. It excited the hell out of me, though. Why?

Because I fell madly in love with him. Hard. And, it was the first time in my life that I had ever actually fallen in love with someone. I really hoped it would evolve. Yet, simultaneously, I did not want to keep my hopes up. In regards to it thinking it was going to hopefully transform or evolve, I was completely wrong. Extremely wrong. I hit a red light. I persisted on it, until I finally hit it. I exhausted myself by not moving past the red light. There was never a relaxed energy. It was shaky to begin with and terrible to end with.

After our nasty fight, which also happened to be the final time I ever heard his voice, he was never willing to apologize for disrespecting me that night or even explaining why he just became so rude to me. Hussey also mentions that if someone never says sorry for reacting so poorly to something, that that is also one of the biggest red flags. Hussey further mentions that this is someone who is completely impossible to build something sustainable with. It figures, because Ian was someone who always wanted complete power over me.

Ian was there for me the way I wanted, but it was mainly just us holding on to one another for dear life. Ian did not really show me that he wanted, or truly wanted me. In particular, he never really wanted me to go out there and figure out who I wanted or what I wanted for myself. Because he was never clear, I gave myself the permission to go out there and figure all of this out myself. However, simultaneously, he just would not let me go. Ian kept holding onto me, when I was not even his. That just was not fair or healthy to me, at all.

I gave him something, yet he was not able to give me that something. In short, there was no solid reciprocal energy. Ian would get upset, because he knew he was hurting me yet, at the same time, did not want to hurt me. Throughout the process, he also managed to successfully hurt himself. Simply put, he would get angry at me for trying to find my way back to myself. Eventually, I had to look at the bigger picture and wonder if being in his presence was even adding any value to both of our lives, whatsoever.

It was not.

I stepped up by putting so much energy and effort into this relationship. I did not feel as if he was reciprocating all or enough of that, because that it what was actually happening. For the greater good, I had to block this out of my life so not to get hurt anymore. I also gave myself the opportunity to self-reflect and re-evaluate a number of instances that happened. For example, Ian never defended me after his best friend disrespected me. He used Felicity as an excuse for not allowing him to pursue a potentially healthy and exclusive relationship. Until, he committed the hypocritical and betrayal act of defending her in the end. He always treated me as if I was his girlfriend in public, yet always told people that I was not his girlfriend. Whenever I went out there for “self-discovery,” he would give me the silent treatment — which then contributed to me doing the same thing whenever he hurt me.

The last time I saw Ian, one of the last things he ever told me was, “I am sure it would be amazing to be your husband.” After everything fell apart a week later, it felt as if I lost a part of myself. It took me time to grieve and to fully move on, because I had never experienced heartbreak as intense as this. I also felt as if he had “won,” by pushing me away when the truth of the matter is that there was never a loss or a win from any side. Sure, I wonder, from time to time, if I will ever bump into him again. However, Ian is someone I never want to or hope to see ever again. And, I hate to say this but he is also someone I do not wish the best for or will ever forgive.

Not just for the situationship, but for everything else as well — the time I invested, the energy I put in, the effort I put in, the kindness he took for granted from me, the gas money I spent, the confusion he caused, the misunderstanding he created, the heartache he placed upon me, the sadness I felt multiple times, the anger that was inflicted upon, the guilt I faced, the threat he made towards me, the hypocrisy from his end, the betrayal from his end, and his disrespect towards me in the end.

Any person who puts you in a situationship, from the beginning, is not someone worth building something sustainable with. If someone tells you from the beginning, “I ruin anything that touches,” please believe them. Sadly, it is the truth.