“Any Guy Who Puts You in a Situationship is an Asshole” — Part One
“It’s easier to love someone else than it is to be kind to yourself. What’s harder is to let someone in. You loved me when I couldn’t love myself.
I couldn’t love myself. Where you end, I begin. Where you end, I begin. Where you end, I begin. Where you end, I begin again. I begin again” — Sans Soleil by Alexisonfire
Saturday, June 18th, 2022: via Whatsapp
Ian: “I mean, I love our time together and I always have fun with you, but this is going very fast.”
Anna: “I see. I’ll slow it down.”
Ian: “Thank you. And, believe me, it’s nothing with you I swear. But, my mind is a mess now. I’m so sorry.”
Anna: “Cool.”
Ian: “I’m sorry again.”
Anna: “It’s fine, I’ve gotten used to it.”
Ian: “Used to what? Did you get what I said? All I meant was to take things slower and that’s it! Because, I am afraid it will go fast and get ruined.”
**Either way, he ruined it big time.
Anna: “Makes sense. Just got used to men telling me things that make me question myself. That’s all.”
Ian: “No, please don’t. You’re a 10/10. But, I told you it’s something in me that scares me all because of that bitch Felicity.”
Saturday, July 16th, 2022: via Whatsapp
Ian: “I’m sorry for what happened. I shouldn’t have thought that you did that thing (for assuming I made out with a guy, when I didn’t) but it really hurt when I heard it. And, to be honest, it’s still digging in the back of my mind for some reason.”
Anna: “I’ll stop hanging out with him if it’ll ease your mind.”
Ian: “No, please don’t. If you really did nothing, then please forget it. It’s just my fucked up brain.”
Anna: “I know Adrian is one of your best friends, but I swear to you I am not someone who, if in a monogamous relationship, would commit infidelity.”
**We were not even in a relationship at the time.
Ian: “I know you’re not. I’m a mess for real and I need to work, and fix on myself.”
Tuesday, August 9th, 2022: via Whatsapp
Anna: “You don’t seem to want to talk to me. I understand. I’ll leave in a few minutes.”
**He got really upset at me for sleeping with someone else. Mind you, we were not a couple at the time and he was never clear with what we were. So, I gave myself permission to still have some casual fun with other people.
Ian: “I don’t usually talk when I am in these sorts of situations, because I don’t want to say or do something that I might regret later. Just need to stop myself from thinking now. Please understand.”
Wednesday, August 10th, 2022: via Whatsapp
Ian: “I’m sorry, but I need some answers to know what to do and in which direction I shall go. This thing broke me and I wanna know if I can trust again, because I don’t think I can at the moment. I know you didn’t cheat, but you’ve broken my trust (by making it clear you would not sleep with anyone else) and it hurts a lot. But, also letting you know that if US ever happened, then plenty of changes are going to happen — including cutting off your friendship(s) with guys and people you’ve done it with, especially that friend you asked for advice yesterday.”
Anna: “I misunderstood you and I told you that. Also, you don’t have ownership over me yet.
Tuesday, August 23rd, 2022: via Whatsapp
Anna: “I don’t want to hurt your feelings again. Still not sure what we are, though.”
Ian: “Yeah, I know it’s confusing.”
Sunday, September 4th, 2022: via Whatsapp
Ian: “You’re an amazing human being and one of the best things to ever happen to me lately, and I don’t want to lose that.”
Anna: “Yes, you often make me feel better. I understand Milo is your best friend. I just didn’t like the fact I was in the middle of that mess at the time and made to appear as the “other woman.”
Ian: “And my target is to often make you the happiest person ever. And, what happened in the past and thinking about it won’t change anything. You know yourself and what you did, and you didn’t do something wrong.”
Thursday, September 15th, 2022: via Whatsapp
Ian: “We good?”
Anna: “We are, don’t worry. Look, I love you so much but I often wonder whether or not we’re even compatible for one another. That’s why I’m concerned.”
Ian: “Yeah, I understand. Sometimes, I think that too. But, I still hope whatever we have will still be great for the both of us.”
Anna: “Even if I remain a best friend to you or something, I’ll still be happy regardless.”
Ian: “I told you before, and that is I am always going to be here.”
Saturday, November 12th, 2022: via Whatsapp
Anna: “Hey, I really hope you’ve had a great time tonight. Again, I didn’t mean to upset you or take up any of your time, or appear to be irresponsible. I don’t want to ruin your evening, either. But, before I go to sleep, just wanted to say a few things that I’ve been meaning to get off my chest for awhile. Listen, as much as I adore you, I really don’t think or believe that this is going to work. You having had a panic attack over the fear of messing up a relationship with me may been a red flag. I don’t know. However, it’s honestly become really unfair because I’ve wanted to build something serious, with someone I adore, for the longest time, but I don’t know how much longer I can wait. Have you ever put yourself in my shoes? Me having to tell people you’re not actually my partner when it appears to be so? It stuns and confuses everyone I know. How’s that building something with me? You’re building something with yourself, not with me. You don’t say we are dating, you don’t say we are slowly getting serious…what is this? Either you commit or you don’t. Being ghosted hurts. I completely understand. I’ve been ghosted twice and I know how it feels. Luckily, I managed to stand up to those assholes. Then again, it didn’t stop me from getting out there and not be afraid to start something with a decent guy. Because I knew and learned the hard way that not all guys are bad. Plus, your ex has moved on and has now been seeing another person. Why are you giving her that power? To have more happiness than you? Also, when you say you’re afraid of what’s going to happen, that means you assume that I will hurt you as much as your ex did. That’s really hurtful. All these drives to the city you live in. All the effort I’ve tried to put in, even when you also come to the city I live in. If you’re going to keep being afraid, then you’ll never be with somebody and then, if someone like me, finally can’t take waiting anymore — she will likely find someone else, marry him, and be happily married to him and then you’ll perhaps or most likely regret it. Regret the fact that you never had the courage to pursue something with me. Most of your friends, in your circle, are all in relationships and are perfectly happy. Why do you have to make me look like the odd one out? Anyways, we can discuss more once we both wake up. But, because of you and not me, this doesn’t it’ll likely flourish into something more than what we have going on at the moment. I don’t even know what we really are.”
Tuesday, January 17th, 2022: via Whatsapp
Ian: “What I thought was right. That’s why you felt badly when you got sick and started apologizing to me like crazy. No fucking wonder. And, after me telling you how much it hurts when you go sleep with someone else without telling me. You promised you wouldn’t do it. However, you still went out and did it! And, the only reason you’re not doing it now is because you’re scared of catching a minor STI again. It’s not because you care about me.”
Wednesday, January 18th, 2022: via Whatsapp
Anna: “I can’t be your beck and call for over eight months by following your unreasonable commands.”
Ian: “I didn’t force you to wait. I told you so many times that if you got bored of waiting, just lemme know and I’ll fuck off. Believe me, I am not trying to make you feel guilty, but these things really hurt. I guess you’re living a different life that I will never understand. And, maybe you’re right when you said we’re not compatible. I dunno. Don’t think I am happy with you waiting. I swear I feel terrible about it. And, I want you to know that this is another failure for me so I am not happy with myself either. And please, it’s not “unreasonable commands” when I asked you to not play around (again, not forcing) so we can be safe, and yet after promising me you still did it. I’m not controlling or manipulating you to say that. If you ever felt badly because of me, then I apologize.”
**I never promised anything.
Anna: “I’m not trying to make you look like a piece of shit, but you’re setting highly unrealistic expectations for me. That’s all I’m trying to say. Plus, since I am not exclusive or established with you, that also means I have the right to not share everything with you (that includes choosing to sleep with other people). I am not your beck and call.”
Ian: “Be a respectful person, at least to the people who respected you and were there for you. Also, you’ll never be mine.”
**Also told me via voice message to “go have a nice life.”
Anna: “You know what? Don’t ever speak to me ever again. You ruined everything for no reason. Well done. Hope you enjoy your arranged marriage.”
**Two days later, he calls me and apologizes.
Saturday, February 25th, 2023: via Whatsapp
Anna: “Imagine you’re in my place. I invited the whole lot of your group to my birthday. No one invited me (to the barbecue your group just planned and that you’re attending). I’m done being nice.
Ian: “You have something with them, talk to them not to me.”
**He was an innocent bystander in all of this, but I at least wish he could’ve had my back or something.
Friday, March 3rd, 2023: via Whatsapp
Anna: “It’s clear you and I will never happen. No matter what happens, I’m still here. Hope you have the courage to speak to me properly (and kindly) again.”
**That weekend, we attend a music festival with a couple of friends. His best friend Milo, however, refuses to acknowledge my presence and doesn’t say hello me. Milo is the one who apparently “matched” us. I ask Ian why Milo doesn’t say hello to me. He says, “you know why.” Oddly enough, back in September, he said I had done nothing wrong. Yeah, not my fault Milo couldn’t keep it in his pants with me before introducing us to one another, and to someone who then became his girlfriend (who he was apparently also “building something” with at the time). Sure, I told her but it was so she wouldn’t feel like she was being betrayed. Oh, well.
Saturday, March 18th, 2023: via both Whatsapp and phone call
The day the permanent damage occurred…
I had gotten back from a mountainous excursion with a friend of mine. I called Ian up to check and see how he was doing. He said he was fine and then asked me if I had fun. I told I had had fun and that the next time I choose to go there again, that it’ll be with him. All of a sudden, he just spoke to me in such a rude tone:
Ian: “No, no don’t treat me as a second option. I am not a second option!”
Anna: “What the hell is your problem? What’s with the attitude?”
Ian: “I wanted to take you there for the first time and see your face be in awe for the first time!”
I sit in silence listening to him ramble about something else.
Ian: “What? You’re just going to stay quiet over the phone?”
Anna: “Just go. Just go enjoy the rest of the evening. Just go.”
Ian: “Fine, I’ll go.”
I had no idea he was actually going to continue talking, but I chose to hang up on him. I was immediately turned off, angry at how he behaved after I was being nice to him, and felt completely weak.
He disrespected me. Big time.
A moment later, we exchange text messages. Completely heated ones.
Ian: “You hung up on me while I was talking btw.”
Anna: “I don’t care. I don’t appreciate the way you spoke to me earlier.”
Ian: “If you don’t care, then don’t talk to me.”
Anna: “I do, but you messed everything up. I’m going to say this one last time. Stop treating me like shit when I don’t deserve it.”
Ian: “I see, you’re trying to act as innocent as usual. You never fucking disrespect me and hang up on me while I am talking, and then say that you don’t care. Because, believe me, I swear to God you’ll regret it.”
Anna: “Well, you spoke to me rudely. I am not at the mercy of you.”
Ian: “I am not at the mercy of you, either. I am not talking to you until you apologize for disrespecting me, including for not caring about disrespecting me. You can’t win every time by crying.”
**How is standing up for myself disrespectful?
Anna: “Stop causing unnecessary drama. Please. I am begging you. JUST STOP. And, don’t you ever threaten me either. I have every right to stand up for myself when someone is rude to me. Don’t be mean.”
Afterwards, we get on a phone call and proceed with more fighting. He yells at me to shut up, as well.
So, I give up and choose to permanently scar him via text.
Anna: “You know what? Save your words. Just an FYI. I’m not a punching bag. I’m not some object you own or possess and that’s how you’ve treated me all along, when I’m not even your damn girlfriend. If anything, you’re the one who’s disrespected me. You’re also very manipulative. As you mentioned from the very beginning, you ruin anything that touches and I should’ve believed that from the very start. You’re a horrible human being. A horrible human being who’s meant to be in an arranged and unhappy marriage. You don’t deserve someone as polite and caring as me, and you’ll never have one who is.”
He told me once, “If I don’t find someone I’ll be happy with or end up with you, then I’ll have to go to my mom and ask her to find someone for me (to marry.”
Unfortunately, there’s more.
Stay tuned for the second part.
