Although my wound has finally healed, my work still isn’t complete
“When nothing more can be done, the criticisms from others says more about them than it does about you ” — Tim Lambesis, lead singer of As I Lay Dying
If any of y’all have read some of my earlier posts, it was pretty evident that I wasn’t really myself at that time. I must say, it’s been tough finding my own path. As the only girl who wrestles in the Middle East and who is often surrounded by a group of males, it can be intimidating and quite nerve-wracking. I learned the difficult way, both in pro wrestling and in life, that self-protection and boundaries are incredibly imperative. In addition, I learned the hard way that the most painful lessons in life turn out to be the best lessons. And, you know what? That’s okay. Temporarily, it stings like crazy. However, fortunately in the long-term, it can build some steel both on the inside and on the outside.
I had no choice but to find my path, because I was allowing outside distractions and personal issues to not only cloud my judgement almost entirely, but to also affect my training. I’ve needed to separate my emotions from the pro wrestling realm to protect my own boundaries. It took plenty of guts to learn how to manage my disappointments without letting any of my frustrations come anywhere near my training. In short, it took me time to take everything…literally everything with a pinch of salt. And, to not allow outside forces to distract me for a second, anymore. Why? Because I am much better and stronger than that.
“It is almost always the case that that whatever has wounded you will also be instrumental in your healing” — Late American author, Robert A. Johnson
“Wounded people tend to wound others. To break this cycle of spiritual, mental, emotional and physical injury, we need to forgive. If we don’t heal in this way, we will continue to suffer and create suffering until we die” — Wayne Gerard Trotman
“Never force forgiveness. Forgiveness occurs, organically, when our power and vitality returns — when it is equal to the one who hurt us” — Justice Bartlett
Sure, the unfortunate circumstances (of my ordeal) truly sucked and it hurt like shit. However, I’ve had to admit that I was at fault as well. I wanted my readers to know my side of the story, but I never aimed to paint myself as the victim or the antagonist here, because I wasn’t. I was just completely hurt and wanted to find an output to help me get through the pain that, at the time, stung so badly. As the late Maya Angelou said, “It’s easy to forget what someone said or did, but it’s impossible to forget how someone made you feel.” A guy I liked was never serious about me and he never claimed to be. So, what? It was never going to work out, anyways. That’s something I learned, eventually — well, more so after my dog passed away two months ago. The first step to healing over all of this was to finally change my perspective and ask myself, “How do I truly get over the wrong guy?”
Firstly, I had to accept that this unfortunate circumstance really wasn’t me. It had absolutely nothing to do with me or with my worth. It still doesn’t and it never will. If someone was not the person I believed him her to be, then that isn’t my problem. I’m just a person who was a part of this story, not a victim. It’s okay that I was a part of this story. It’s okay that I learned a lesson the hard way. That is, a painful lesson. Men are not always fully honest. In fact, the majority of them lie a lot. That is why we take time to get to know people, so to solidify our actions and such. I’d decided that it was finally time to move forward and realize that I’m now going to be more than just fine. In life, we sometimes need to learn lessons the hard way. The battles are what shape us.
The guy I liked was partially honest when he said he wasn’t going to get into a relationship, but he wasn’t honest as to why. It’s okay that I believed and trusted somebody who wasn’t worth believing. That doesn’t mean I must hate that person. That doesn’t define who I am or what I am worthy of. He was not willing to be one-hundred percent, because he would not have gotten what he wanted. He didn’t think it through, properly. As flawed human beings, no matter how old we get, there will always be things that we may not always think or comprehend properly and rationally. People hurt people. It’s a part of life. The bigger part of life is being resilient and knowing that this story is not a reflection of me and of who I am. Rather, that is just a reflection of who the other really is as a person.
I do not need any protection from anybody. I pull my own weight. I fight my own battles. I brave through my own storm, because nobody else is going to do it for me. It doesn’t matter what anyone else says. All that matters is that I move on with my life and pull my own weight. Everyone has their own perspective on a situation. No, of course I’d never meant to hurt anybody, make someone look bad, or hinder anyone’s reputation. I don’t believe anyone ever meant to hurt anyone else, here. As people, we sometimes hurt others especially in the process of figuring ourselves out. Most people just want to feel understood and validated. I know I wanted to.
Next time, if I want people to understand my side of the story, it’s honestly best and healthier to not talk about it so much. Next time, it’s best to keep it to myself and operate in silence. If I need or want to vent, it’ll be to my therapist, my mentor, my sister, and/or to my closest friends I’ve known for years. The world doesn’t need to hear the point I’m trying to make, because not everyone will agree with me in the end. Meanwhile, others will. And, those who agree with me will place their shoulders on me. Therefore, I keep those people around me and say that I am a good person. I don’t need to explain or prove myself to anybody. Trying to continuously prove a point with my posts and articles can actually make it worse. So, this is the closing to my “series” — admitting that I was also at fault and that the battle within myself is all I need to solve. Sure, writing is definitely therapeutic but best to journal it all down in a private diary instead. That is, from now on. The strongest people work in silence and don’t prove anything to anybody. Instead, they keep their business to themselves. Word spreads around so quickly — that is, after a sensational blog gets posted. Even if it’s anonymous, that’s still the crazy beast of the internet. People do like to gossip, including good people. If someone doesn’t do a great job of explaining or him or herself, then that’s not my problem. So, from here on out, I’m going to stop giving this story any more oxygen.
The good news is I’m no longer wasting my thoughts and my mind over somebody who was never worth it for me. The next time I’m walking down the street, I’ll watch where I’m going and not slip on the banana peel. By the way, that’s a metaphor if you didn’t know.
Did this affect my ability to trust men and be afraid of getting heartbroken, again? Sure. Did he ever mistreat me or physically harm me? Never. Was it ever going to work out? No. Is he polite to me now, regardless? Absolutely. So, it’s never fair to make the party look like the “bad guy,” or place blame on anybody. I fell into a trap, which left me emotionally wounded. Just because I was left wounded, that doesn’t mean I get to go around and indirectly make someone look bad. We both made a mistake.
Have I moved on? Yes, I finally have and I am done talking about it. So, I am now putting a close and end to it. I learned a great lesson and I am better for it. I know how I’m going to live in the future. I rest my case.
