Although 2020 May Have Been Challenging, I’m Still Grateful For It
“If you’re going through hell, keep going” — Winston Churchill.
Don’t get me wrong. Thus far, 2020 has been one unprecedented, abnormal, and unexpected year. My heart truly goes out to those who’ve lost their lives to COVID-19. And, it’s been incredibly frustrating to witness the extent of police brutality on African-Americans in the U.S. My heart also goes out to George Floyd, Ahmaud Arbery, and to the others whose lives were also taken away. My prayers and heart go out to their families, too.
I’m fully aware of how much life has fucking sucked for a lot of us, including myself. For example, out of all days, on April Fool’s Day, I lost my job. Suddenly, I started having irrational thoughts and believing that my existence in this world probably didn’t matter anymore. On that particular day, I remember telling myself, “I don’t care if I catch the virus. I’m probably better off dead, anyways. God is probably telling me that my life doesn’t matter, anymore.” However, was my life really about to “fucking suck?” Or was this just a story I was feeding myself?
With the help of my therapist, it took me almost two months to realize that my thought process wasn’t true. But, on that very day in April, when my mind was spiraling out of control, it really started to feel as if my life was over and that I was never going to have a decent, solid, stable, and successful career. Not only was I bothered with the fact that I was not going to have my own extra income, but the fact that I had to work harder at achieving my next move. I got sick and tired of jumping between internships and jobs. The longest I’d ever been at a job was six months, and that was at my most recent job. It felt like my life didn’t matter at this point. Was I ever going to succeed?
I had no idea what I was going to do next in this global pandemic. Was I going to become a freelancer? If yes, was I at least going to get paid soon? Was I going to find a better job? Is it still possible to have both a job and and be a freelancer? I knew I was still going to continue my Master’s Degree, but I became increasingly anxious about my future. It was until my Mom told me that there was nothing wrong with my life, and that the only thing missing from it was my career (which, by the way, is still “missing”).
I started taking action by doing a lot of things, because if there’s one thing I cannot stand it’s sitting my ass down all day and not putting my time to use. I began to learn how to become a better writer, I started writing more, reading more, and studying more (not just for my Master’s Degree). In addition to my summer course, I had also begun studying for my group fitness instructor certification, and preparing the exam for it (which, I still have to take). Of course, I’d been applying for jobs since then. Nevertheless, I still did what I felt was right (and still is) — which is to continuously search for well-paid writing platforms, continue writing, and not give up (even if I get a few rejections).
This isn’t the first time I’ve practiced resilience. If you have no idea, resilience is the ability to formulate positive adaptations to negative events. As Mark Manson writes, “Being resilient doesn’t mean feeling good all the time.” For almost three months now, I’ve gotten better at building psychological resilience. In fact, it’s made me stronger and wiser. Why? Because one builds psychological resilience by getting better at feeling bad. And, that, my friends, is what 2020 has taught so many of us — to get better at feeling uncomfortable. It fucking sucks, doesn’t it? But, hey, you know what? It’s a part of life and life fucking sucks sometimes. It isn’t always fair. So, deal with it.
I’ve dealt with so much rage and injustice to the point that it’s told me to say, “Fuck it” — fuck it to those who’ve laid me off so soon (even after both jobs told me it wasn’t my fault), fuck it to those who’ve bullied me and thought they could use the power of their nationality and privilege to get me banned from an establishment (oh, and for something I also didn’t do wrong), fuck it to the men who’ve ghosted me (after all that time of me being super damn nice to them), and fuck it to those who’ve made me feel like I couldn’t amount to anything in life.
Two months ago, I cut off all ties with my ex-boyfriend. I blocked his number, blocked him from every social media platform possible, and I chose to never speak to him ever again.
If you were in my shoes, what if your boyfriend decided to call you back by shouting at you over the phone, right after you’d asked him, “Are you okay?” You’d have second thoughts about continuing this relationship, wouldn’t you? Oh, and there’s something else. The day he shouted at me, he said, “If I shout at you, it means I care about you.” Talk about emotional abuse. Two days after that incident, I broke up with him.
You’re probably wondering why he shouted at me. It’s all because I didn’t go see him at his place during lockdown and to help him “relieve stress” (you probably know what that means, too). I remembered telling my mom right afterwards that he had shouted at me for that particular reason and she immediately disliked him right away. In her mind, it’s “no man ever raises his voice at my daughter for a stupid reason.”
He called me back again. I answered. We talked, made up, and he was attempting to seek forgiveness. I never raised my voice at him and it just made me wonder at that moment, “Should I really forgive him? I understand that human beings make mistakes, but his narrative is just too controlling now.” Due to COVID-19, he told me that lockdown had caused him to snap at me — which, is totally understandable but I don’t tolerate that type of behavior. Especially, when I’ve done nothing wrong. Also, I am not the one who enforced the rule to tell everyone to stay at home. Right after that incident, both my mind and my gut told me I had to get out of this relationship. I understand that couples fight, but I felt increasingly uncomfortable at the sight of him, afterwards.
After I had ended the relationship, I still made it a duty to check up on him. He was going through a tremendous amount of stress and I wanted to show that I still cared about him. Why? Because I’m genuinely a very nice and caring person. But, I probably shouldn’t have done that because one day had changed everything. The day after I had lost my job, I snapped at him. I felt overwhelmed myself, too. I’m not saying what I did was okay, either. But, like him, I snapped too. After he’d snapped at me, I actually forgave him. However, this time, he didn’t forgive me — that made me realize how right my mom was from the beginning when she told me not to forgive him. He told me to never call him again, so I hung up immediately and suddenly cut off all ties with him.
After that happened, for a slight moment, I felt weak, angry, and fearful. My ex-boyfriend often lectured and confronted me, so he took advantage of my vulnerability to make me feel weak — when, I’m the complete opposite of that. Why forgive him if he didn’t forgive me? Fuck that. Towards the end, he became increasingly insecure, which caused me to lose all feelings and attraction towards him. As the days passed by, I realized how much better off I felt.
Once I became single again, I felt freer. However, it wasn’t until I cut off all ties with my ex-boyfriend that I actually felt much lighter and that a massive weight had been lifted off of my chest. In particular, I was finally free of his unattractive behavior. As Mark Manson puts it, “It’s not the what of your behavior that is attractive or unattractive, it’s the why of your behavior.” My ex was always talking about his penis and how much oral sex had mattered to him. The more I heard it, the greater I became sick and tired of it. I just felt as if he was being too needy and insecure about it. It was a huge turn-off for me, caused me to lose all attraction towards him, and it was one of the major issues in our relationship — which, I also thought was just the dumbest. If I do not want to go down on you, then I do not want to and I am not going to. PERIOD. Don’t put pressure on me — that’s common courtesy and respect towards a woman.
He wanted to teach me what it was like to be in a “proper relationship.” It didn’t matter that he was ten years older than me. I didn’t meet his expectations and that also put immense pressure on me — and, from my experience, I’ve noticed how much heartbreak is created through expectations. After that relationship, I also said “fuck it” to relationship expectations.
So, yeah. Things really did suck. But, you know what? It’s sucked for a lot of people, lately. But, guess what? Just because it sucks doesn’t mean it’s forever. My current situation is not my permanent destination, and neither is yours. This is all strictly temporary. Sure, it doesn’t feel pretty but we’ve all learned what it feels like when nothing in the world is normal again. And, I say “screw it” to going back to “normal.” What was ever “normal,” anyways? It’s not like things didn’t suck before 2020. Not just for me, but for a lot of people. This too shall pass — that’s what I said when I experienced a painful year back in 2017, and this is what I say now.
Alright, it’s time to calm down. Things haven’t sucked as much as I thought. This is nothing but a phase. It’s temporary, challenging, and downright frustrating. However, the good news is it isn’t the worst thing in the world. This past year, I’m strangely feeling grateful for the unfortunate events that had happened. This time has been incredibly crucial for self-discovery, self-reflection, self-respect, and, most importantly, self-love. I took the time to think about the past relationships I had had with ex-boyfriends and thought that everything was purely my fault. I learned it isn’t typically important to find fault in past relationships. Anyways, it doesn’t matter because what’s done is done. It is definitely much more important to notice behaviors that I will do differently in the future. I have been learning and growing immensely and nothing is more important than that.
Times may still be a little sensitive, but it’s imperative to keep going, to be kind to ourselves, and to realize that the universe is teaching us a valuable lesson — perhaps, to slow down, reconnect with others, and be kind to one another (including kinder). If you haven’t learned to treat people better with more kindness — well, no offense, but fuck you. If you have, then well done — because, this is a valuable lesson I’ve been taught. Not only is this a massively valuable lesson, but it is something that will take you far — and I’m damn well sure of it.
